Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
