if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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