he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
