He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
