He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
not ubering you a puppy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
