Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
