No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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