we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
