And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Come on in and take your pants off
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
