i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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