All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
whose parrot is this?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
