Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
