i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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