god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
