i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
