If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
