hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
