i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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