why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
