Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
