I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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