Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
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The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
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I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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