My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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