You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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