I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
