cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
