I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
