he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
