my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
