i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
