im drinking this country out of the recession.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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