I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
