Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
