I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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