Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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