I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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