yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
