RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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