why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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