3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
