i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
