i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
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Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
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Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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