um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
