Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
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Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
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I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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