you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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