I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
