I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
