gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
