sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
