My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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