I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
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Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
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He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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