Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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