"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
