Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
